When a Relationship Ends

What is written here is about feelings, the kind of feelings experienced when a cherished relationship ends.

When a love relationship ends, the emotions we feel are often similar to what we feel when someone close to us dies.  There is an emptiness, a broken heart, a deep sadness, coupled with a feeling of helplessness. We often find ourselves irritable, confused unable to think about anything other than the breakup. Songs, smells, restaurants, movies, are just some of the triggers that remind us of happier times These memories tend to highlight our sorrow. As you begin the struggle to accept the reality of the breakup, you may wonder why it ended or asking yourself what could you have done differently. The truth is, you may never know. It’s quite normal experience fear or feel anxious as you ponder life without your relationship. If the breakup involved a third person, chances are that your anxiety and anger will be elevated. We question ourselves and can begin to feel inadequate.

Another natural response is to resist what is happening, wondering, how can your loved one exist without you. You may find yourself hoping that he or she might call or text.

Remember, there is an additional  hurt  in a breakup, not present when someone dies; a breakup is a choice. whereas a death is not. As a result, our sense of self, becomes even more vulnerable, and we find ourselves questioning everything about the relationship. Knowing that he or she is still “out there,” causes us to feel a series of emotions for a period of time. One minute you might hope your partner returns, while the minute hoping never to lay eyes on him or her. This is normal. Your loss feels unbearable but you’re not going crazy.

As is true with any grief,  our friends want us to be our “old self” again, but there is nothing normal about feeling deeply hurt and betrayed.

You are experiencing the very real pain of loss followed by the painful experience of grief. Usually we associate grief with death and in its own way, this is the death of a relationship and we respond in similar ways. We yearn for that person, we are restless, unconsciously, we may find ourselves looking for them.

During this difficult time, it is important to listen to yourself and honor what you need. Don’t isolate; spend time with others whom you can trust enough to listen and give you space. Try to avoid  what I call STROSS, which stands for “Short Term Relievers Of Significant Stress.” Among the most common STROSS are: abuse of alcohol and drugs, gambling, risky behavior, seeking comfort in meaningless sexual connections and “shop therapy.”

It is vitally important to take steps to resolve your grief because it doesn’t just “go away.” Additionally, once you get your heart broken, you may have a hard time trusting until the issues related the breakup have been resolved.

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End of Relationship