Recovering from Loss

When we think about a personal loss, we often think of the death of someone we love or a long-term relationship that has ended. We experience an emptiness, a broken heart, a deep sadness. We are often irritable, confused and without any real direction. For a period of time we just go through the motions and find that we have no energy and no interest and often no appetite.  So many places and things remind us of what has been lost. When this occurs, we seek out family and friends to comfort us.  

In the initial period after our loss, we have friends who listen, sympathize and even understand what we’re going through. During this period, when we are operating on “Auto-pilot,” people think we’re doing well. They’re relieved and pleasantly surprised at our “strength.” It isn’t until a week or two has passed and our loss becomes front and center in our lives.  

Often we find that when we reach out for support, friends want to fix us. Since they don’t want us to suffer, they offer positive thoughts meant to make us feel better. In truth, such responses make things worse when we are reaching out for someone to listen. “Join a club, find others in the same situation, take up a hobby, go to the mall. Often friends assure us that it’ll get better, it just takes time or they “know what we’re going through.” If it’s a death that we’re grieving, they might remind us that our loved one wouldn’t want to see us this way.”   They think we are falling apart, often after an arbitrary period of time, the few supporters who remain, think it’s time we “got over it.”  

What we learn, shortly after experiencing a significant loss, is that people tire our grief. It makes them very uncomfortable. So what do we do? We stop talking about our loss. We act as if we’re back to normal. We take the suggestions of others and often find it doesn’t help.  

The reality is that we are taught not to grieve. It begins with our parents. I am not criticizing our parents, they were told the same message. Remember as a child, hearing “if you’re going to cry, go in your room and cry” or “cry baby”? Many of us are aware of the phrase “smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.” These are just some examples of how we are discouraged from showing our sad emotions publicly.  

When we suffer a significant loss of any type, we need to address our emotions. When we fail to work through our grief, it becomes part of our energy and will surface during times and situations when we least expect it.  

Below are just a few helpful tips about loss. 

• It is imperative that we listen to ourselves, allowing painful feelings to surface and tears of sadness to flow.  

• Trust feelings of grief in whatever form they are felt.  

• Sometimes we will be angry, sad, or regretful.  

• We may find ourselves jealous of others who we see as happy and enjoying life.  

• The “stages of grief” are not for everyone. They are not sequential and they can be misleading. 

• People who say they “know how you feel,” don’t. They may understand some of the types of feelings you may be experiencing but every grief situation is unique. 

• Go slowly, be kind to yourself, grieve at your own pace. 

• Dismiss the phrase “after a year things get better.” It provides an arbitrary time line without knowing your very personal relationship with your loss. 

• For many grievers, the second year is more difficult, precisely because they were led to believe after a year they would be better. 

• Be gentle with yourself, don’t compare your grief journey to someone else’s 

Remember when we lose someone or something significant, we often lose part of our identity, a reference point for how we see ourselves. Please remember to be kind to yourself, listen to you and heal at your own pace.